Co-parenting after a divorce can be an ugly process that can bring out the worst in people. Divorce is a process that breeds selfishness and bitterness. It is no wonder that as you go through a divorce, communicating with your former spouse can particularly difficult. This is why treating your former spouse as a new business partner may be just what you need for your kids to thrive in your new co-parenting relationship.
“A successful co-parenting relationship should be approached as if it were a joint investment with the attention paid to the children and their well being.” – Monica Epperson
Any successful business has a common goal. As a co-parenting couple, your goal is to raise healthy children and every parenting decision you make together is decided based on how will this affect our business goal: healthy thriving children. As two invested partners in this business, you both are making decisions based on this one very important common goal. Since you are both invested in this business, you would not publically put your business down on social media or to your family members or friends. You would promote and market your co-parenting business to everyone. Remember that your business is raising healthy children. In raising healthy, thriving children, it is vital that children hear good things about each parent. When you put down one parent, you are putting down 50% of that child, consequently hurting your “business” – and your child.
CONSULT EACH OTHER, RATHER THAN INFORM
First, partners in a parenting vocation never make decisions without consulting each other. They do not say, “Hey, I just bought a boat for $100,000, hope you are good with that.” No, good partners consult and listen to what the other partner has to say rather than just inform them of decisions already made. After listening to both sides they come to an agreement based on what is in the best interest of the co-parenting company. In this respect, you make decisions based on what is in the best interest of your children. Often, this is very difficult for the custodial parent to listen to the non-custodial parent’s opinion, especially if they have provided a good bit of the stability during the divorce process. As a co-parenting “entrepreneur” myself – here is what I have learned.
It matters to kids when both of their parents are talking to each other and making decisions together about their life. As much as it is healthy for the children to have both parents involved (it frankly is not always healthy) kids need it and want it.
DO NOT SHARE PERSONAL INFORMATION
Secondly, in a business relationship, there is a clear boundary between personal and business information. It is no longer your business if they are dating someone, how they choose to spend their money, or what they choose to do on their weekend they do not have the children. The only thing that is your business is an issue related to your children. Initially, it is tempting to make many things your business and use the kids as an excuse to get information, but it is not healthy for you or for your kids. Check yourself. Unplug from your former spouse. That means “Unfollow” them on Facebook. You can still be friends but unfollow them, so you don’t see their feed all the time. Don’t follow them on Twitter or Instagram. Create a new life for yourself. Move forward. Let go and let God.
GIVE FACTS NOT FEELINGS
Lastly, when sending an email regarding your child simply state the problem and stick to the facts. Little Johnny wants to join the soccer team. The cost is $500. Even if we split the cost, this will be difficult for me to afford. Do you have any thoughts about how to move forward? If we decide we cannot afford it, Susie will be disappointed. How are we going to handle this? This is not the time to bring up the past and how disappointed you were that Johnny’s coparent never took her to soccer practices or came to Johnny’s games to support her. Nor is it the time to say how you already paid for Johnny’s soccer shorts, cleats, and registration. Be a problem- solver for Johnny. Will you be able to afford soccer for Johnny this year and if you can’t, how will we together tell Johnny, so both of you can share in her disappointment as a family?
BE NICE TO EACH OTHER
As always with these entries of mine, here is one more thing. Do everyone involved a favor and say “please, thank you, excuse me, hello and goodbye.” Do we not teach our children this when they can first start understanding language? Why is it then when we go through a divorce we are excused because of our hurt and pain? What if our children used that same excuse with us? Joey was mean to me, so I was mean back to him. Business partners use common courtesies. They politely say hello or goodbye. When sending an email or leaving a voicemail, they wait patiently for a reply because they give their business partner the benefit of the doubt that maybe something came up and they could not reply right away. They do not take things personally. They act like grown-ups. Kids watch how you communicate, especially when it is hard. Do not make your child choose which side of the field to go to when you watch him/her play a game because you can’t be on the same side of the field as the coparent. Get over yourselves, your pain, and excuses and for the good of your co-parenting business. Sit close so that your child can see his parents together and enjoy his/her game. Don’t let them worry about mom and dad. Let them worry about their game, which is exactly what they should be worrying about.
GET HELP WHEN YOU NEED IT
Finally, when business partners hit an impasse and cannot agree on how they should move forward for the good of their business, they ask consultants. Do the same. Find a coparenting counselor or coparenting mediator. Ask the counselor to help you move through the impasse for the welfare of your business/children.
Your children need and want two parents making decisions and caring about them, working together, and enjoying them grow. Divorce is not the final word to your family. It is just a word. You and your coparent will decide how that word will impact your family. Only you can decide how your family will move forward and find hope again and to what degree the business will thrive.
If you are stuck in a poor co-parenting relationship and not sure how to move forward, here is a site you can use as a resource.
Mike Hamson 